


My Empire of Dirt

by smolchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x03 Coda, Heavy Angst, Mentions of Mary Winchester - Freeform, My heart was hurting too much to not write this, as if it will be any less painful, kinda going off the selectively mute dean headcanon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 22:44:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8465794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolchester/pseuds/smolchester
Summary: “I have to go.”
Dean’s heart stopped, yet he could hear it pounding in his ears. It drowned out the rest of Mary’s apology and when she came to hug him he stepped back. He couldn’t even bring himself to look her in the eye. If he did, he might have outwardly shown everything that was racing through his mind. He would burst.





	

**Author's Note:**

> After watching 12x03 I heard "Hurt" by Johnny Cash again and it inspired me to write this post-Mary leaving coda from Dean's perspective. Being my first coda I'm very happy with how it turned out with the help of my wonderful beta reader/roommate [deaniesmith](http://archiveofourown.org/users/deaniesmith/pseuds/deaniesmith) and her passionate rants about Dean Winchester.

And just like that, Dean is four again.

Not the carefree, innocent child some yearn to be but rather as the bunker door slammed shut, Dean is his four year old self watching his home burn with his mother inside.

_"I have to go.”_

___Dean's heart stopped, yet he could hear it pounding in his ears. It drowned out the rest of Mary’s apology and when she came to hug him he stepped back. He couldn’t even bring himself to look her in the eye. If he did, he might have outwardly shown everything that was racing through his mind. He would burst._ _ _

Sam stares at Dean, eyes wide and watery. The bunker is eerily silent as the two brothers stand in the middle of the library. Dean knows he should say something but instead he turns around and walks out. Sam doesn’t call after him. Sam knows, or rather he’s heard, about what the last time their mother leaving did to Dean. He wonders how long it will be this time.

____ _ _

____. . . . . . . . . ._ _ _ _

____ _ _

Alone with his thoughts, Dean drowns.

Everyone he loves, everyone including Sam, leaves him for one reason or another. The underlying connection between all these people is him. Dean thinks about those he loves who died for him, died because of him. Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Charlie and Kevin. Ellen, Jo, and Bobby died fighting their battles. He initially blamed Sam for Charlie’s murder but he can’t help but feel responsible too. Charlie, on the other hand, was unequivocally his fault.

If they didn’t meet a harrowing demise, they simply left him. Dad abandoned him and Sam hit a dog and forgot about him. Dean knows he forgives Sam for attempting to move on with his life while he was in Purgatory, but a bitter part of him feels deep down it was unavoidable.

Everyone he knows goes away in the end.

Part of Dean wishes Mary never came back. He curses Amara for giving him such a doomed gift. Mom is never going to adjust. How could you expect to bring someone back to life after being off the earth for thirty years and think they were going to be alright? Mary wasn’t a gift. She was just another inevitable curse in the Merciless Life of Dean Winchester.

Another part of him wonders what he did wrong. Could Mary see through to the filth that makes up her now grown son? Does she just know the horrible things he’s seen and done? A mother always knows. She knows Sam and Dean are no longer her doe eyed children, so full of hope and potential. They became the very thing she most feared. He comes to the conclusion that there was nothing he could have said or done that would have saved Sam and him from this heartbreak. He can’t change himself and that very fact drove her away.

Dean lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling. It's not until Sam opens the door with a sandwich in hand does he realize that he’s hungry. Dean’s so hungry it hurts.

“It's been two days.” Sam says. “I thought you’ve been eating and I just didn’t see you but dude, you’re going to starve yourself.”

Dean shuts his eyes and exhales. He’s been simply existing in his room for 48 hours and it's to a point where he can't seem to will himself to sit up and take the damn sandwich, no matter how much he really wants it.

“I don’t expect you to want to talk, but you have to eat and drink.” Sam says quietly and pulls a water bottle from his back pocket. He walks over to Dean’s motionless form and sets the sandwich on his chest and water bottle by his side. He turns around, wordless, and heads back to the door.

“I’m hurting too.” Sam says from the doorway. “When you’re ready to talk, I will be here. I’m not leaving.”

He shuts the door behind him.

A few minutes pass when Dean reaches over himself to grab the water bottle and holds it in his hands. He unscrews the cap and takes a bland yet refreshing sip. What he needs is a beer. Or six.


End file.
